My last blog was short and certainly not very sweet. I was slightly upset when my long term binging finally caught up with me in the form of size 16 jeans.
I've taken time, real time, to think about my body image: especially after the almost instantaneous response I received following my last blog.
My cousin sent me a Facebook message as soon as she read my blog. She was clearly passionate about my blog, and was particularly fired up by my labeling myself as a number. Not only did she remind me to reread my blog's introduction but added some notes of her own:
"keep working on loving yourself. I am too. I like reading your blog, keep writing it. But never hate yourself. IF you do, they've won. Write down all the things you love about yourself. I for one, know that your are smart, beautiful, brave and selfless. That all pretty awesome. You inspire me with they way you are actively trying to be in control of your body. pole dancing ffs! all power to ya sister! but please don't define yourself by a number. keep doing what your are doing and don't waste years of your life trying to be super skinny. I actually don't think us Conway's are supposed to be x This doesn't mean I will quit and spiral to a size 22! but 16 is the average size in the UK and Australia I'm pretty sure!"
"I'm aware that justification is another hypocritical position. but that something I'm having trouble navigating myself :) that's probably why i like your blog."
"it was only this morning i read an article called 'how i stopped hating my body' It was a link on the news page! 'recommended for me' i thought glumly- great my online footprint thinks i'm fat! but i clicked on it... and it was pretty cool. My favourite line was this "my body is not an ornament... it is the vehicle to my dreams" And I realised my online footprint is linked to women fighting the status quo, it wasn't linked to a miracle weight loss site. And that felt good. So long as your body doesn't prevent you from living your dreams (keep doing the awesome stuff you do) then FUCK it Sarah! Your body is only a temporary home for your soul. And your soul is beautiful. Gratitude is the key to happiness. Not slimness. So go write down the reasons that you're great. Hope your having a better day x x"
Now, firstly, I am aware that her writing is spectacular and yes we clearly are a fantastically talented family. No you cannot stop subscribing to my blog and read hers...
Secondly, and obviously the more important point of the two, is that my cousin is completely right. That somewhere along my journey I've shifted perspective and became immersed in the body image that society demands. I've become obsessive, to a point of unhealthy, to a stage were all I do is moan and take no action. I've deluded myself to a negative way of thinking, and I shouldn't have. As I sit here full of the flu, perfectly unwell, I have had the time to really think about what I want and why.
But at this stage those thoughts are scribbles on paper and not for cyber publication right now. Right now the focus is and very much should be on the most significant points:
That despite growing up in two very different cultures, with different families, in different contexts there is an awareness, a pressure, to look a certain way. That despite these different upbringings there is a shared feeling on failure when we do not conform to the norm. But also, despite all of that there is a desire to push away from societal norms and concentrate on something much more important: happiness.
The happiness that comes with the acceptance of your body, the feelings of desire for it, the contentment of being physically healthy.
It's time to remember why I started this journey, look back at my inspirations, and make a positive step in the direction that I, not society, chose!
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