It's time to move on...

don't worry, I'm not moving on physically, just cyberly. Blogger has official bored me to tears. It's impossible to blog on the go and is very unkind to my photos. I feel my blogging skills have gone past the basic blogger tools so I am moving on to pastors new:

Namely http://crazechickadee.wordpress.com/

I will leave the blog up for a week or so to allow the strangles to adjust to the news. Then I am going to save my wonderful writing on a hard drive, that I will then lock in a drawer and vow never to read again until I am in a better place.

Change your attitude

My last blog was short and certainly not very sweet. I was slightly upset when my long term binging finally caught up with me in the form of size 16 jeans.

I've taken time, real time, to think about my body image: especially after the almost instantaneous response I received following my last blog.

My cousin sent me a Facebook message as soon as she read my blog. She was clearly passionate about my blog, and was particularly fired up by my labeling myself as a number. Not only did she remind me to reread my blog's introduction but added some notes of her own:

"keep working on loving yourself. I am too. I like reading your blog, keep writing it. But never hate yourself. IF you do, they've won. Write down all the things you love about yourself. I for one, know that your are smart, beautiful, brave and selfless. That all pretty awesome. You inspire me with they way you are actively trying to be in control of your body. pole dancing ffs! all power to ya sister! but please don't define yourself by a number. keep doing what your are doing and don't waste years of your life trying to be super skinny. I actually don't think us Conway's are supposed to be x  This doesn't mean I will quit and spiral to a size 22! but 16 is the average size in the UK and Australia I'm pretty sure!"

"I'm aware that justification is another hypocritical position. but that something I'm having trouble navigating myself :) that's probably why i like your blog."

"it was only this morning i read an article called 'how i stopped hating my body' It was a link on the news page! 'recommended for me' i thought glumly- great my online footprint thinks i'm fat! but i clicked on it... and it was pretty cool. My favourite line was this "my body is not an ornament... it is the vehicle to my dreams" And I realised my online footprint is linked to women fighting the status quo, it wasn't linked to a miracle weight loss site. And that felt good. So long as your body doesn't prevent you from living your dreams (keep doing the awesome stuff you do) then FUCK it Sarah! Your body is only a temporary home for your soul. And your soul is beautiful. Gratitude is the key to happiness. Not slimness. So go write down the reasons that you're great. Hope your having a better day x x"

Now, firstly, I am aware that her writing is spectacular and yes we clearly are a fantastically talented family. No you cannot stop subscribing to my blog and read hers...

Secondly, and obviously the more important point of the two, is that my cousin is completely right. That somewhere along my journey I've shifted perspective and became immersed in the body image that society demands. I've become obsessive, to a point of unhealthy, to a stage were all I do is moan and take no action. I've deluded myself to a negative way of thinking, and I shouldn't have. As I sit here full of the flu, perfectly unwell, I have had the time to really think about what I want and why.

But at this stage those thoughts are scribbles on paper and not for cyber publication right now. Right now the focus is and very much should be on the most significant points:

That despite growing up in two very different cultures, with different families, in different contexts there is an awareness, a pressure, to look a certain way. That despite these different upbringings there is a shared feeling on failure when we do not conform to the norm. But also, despite all of that there is a desire to push away from societal norms and concentrate on something much more important: happiness.

The happiness that comes with the acceptance of your body, the feelings of desire for it, the contentment of being physically healthy.

It's time to remember why I started this journey, look back at my inspirations, and make a positive step in the direction that I, not society, chose!

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Size 16

It's official: I'm a size 16.

I've literally got two pairs of jeans I can squeeze into, I've never been so disappointed in myself. Ever.

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Pamper time

Pamper plans for tonight:

1. Shower

2. Tan

3. Face mask

4. Hair mask

Me? Excited! I'm excited about getting pretty for the weekend.

I may not be where I want to be figure-ly but I can certain enjoy the shape I'm currently in.

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The wonders of technology!

Hi there!

This,very early morning blog comes to you courtesy of Google tablet, complete with scrolling finger keyboard!

I wanted to take a minute and talk about technology. And the uses it has in modern diet and fitness goals. I woke at 5.30am this morning, for whatever reason, but had no desire to get out of my bed. So I switched on my tablet, recently donated to me by my Papi (the father).

Within 20-30mins I knew the following:

1. Paula Walker and Gillian Cooke are in action for Great Britain in the women's bobsleigh today in winter Olympics.

2. The Scottish government is being given the power to issue its own bonds, the UK government has announced.

3. That several of my "friends" like to say "goodnight" to their fellow facebookers

4. That one of my fav authors; Oscar Wilde, had something to say about women.

Technology is probably one of my favourite things in the world. I don't have the money or desire to have the biggest latest craziest gadget out all the time, but I have no fears of the cyber world. I take precautions and embrace the unknown. Hence my blog, Facebook, Instagram and pin interest addiction. I am also on my phone constantly and my new tablet toy will probably make things worse.

But my lying in bed (now 6.33am) and catching up with world events and social gossip did get me thinking about the use of technology in weight loss. I blog about it sure but that is not prescriptively what blog spaces are for: a market as profitable as the diet sector cannot have been missed by developers.

In fact if you search for "diet apps" on Google play you are displayed with 250 options. 250 different apps offering a range of support: from individual plans such as Dukan or Caveman, to hints and tips to receives to detoxes. A range of price too: many are free (but flood with adverts) to a few £££s. None are particularly expensive as a result of a flooded and easily accessible market. Choice and potential value for money is high! I found similar results for "fitness", "weight loss" and "healthy eating".

I am also aware that slimming organisations such as weight watchers also have apps for their members. Giving them instant access to trackers, plans, recipes, support, instructions and advice.

Right now all I'm doing is calorie control. I know that's not always enough but I've decided to start with the NHS 12 week plan were you build skills and knowledge slowly. In order to count my calories I am using an app (application or programme for those who don't know which are accessed on smaller devices such as a tablet or smartphone) called myfitnesspal, it's fairly basic but has a big database of foods. It also tracks any exercise you do and your weight. I honestly would struggle with simple calorie control without it.

There's 31kcals in my coffee with milk for example...who knew…?

I also have an app called workout couch which has a variety of exercise programmes. This is great if I'm unable to get to a class. I need instruction or I'm lazy so this app ensures I don't slack.

Theoretically weight loss should be easier and cheaper. Problem remains though: there isn't an app that stops me putting food in my mouth. Damn!

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i'm an....

Weighed myself tonight.... Not pretty. I'm half a stone heavier than I have ever been in my entire life.

13st 7lbs.

189lbs

85.73kilos

I could...no I did....cry!

How can I carry on like this? How can I?
Why am I doing this? I'm eating, non-stop, then moaning about my weight.

I'm an asshole!

Oh Boy

Ugh!!

It's February! FEBRUARY!! And I am exactly the same weight I was when I started trying to lose weight like 5,000 years ago!

UGH!!!!

I've just ordered a dominoes as well.....UGH!!!!

I'm 5 weeks off the cigarettes. Which is amazing. I do feel fitter and healthier for sure. I can breath better, I have more energy, less gunk, and I am less grumpy.

But diet and exercise regime....gone to pot. I've not blogged, not tracked, not cared... not like me.

January was a tough tough month, but I am continuing to expand at a ridiculous rate!

Must do better. Do I have a plan...nope!

UGH!

Juice, Physio, Competitions;

and a partridge in a pear tree.

It's been a busy few weeks. Apologises for lack of updates, I've been having issues with blogger.com on my laptop, just found out I need to use Google Chrome to get it to open properly.

As I write this I am a little beat up, hung over. I was at a funeral yesterday and ended up quite intoxicated alongside all of my best friends. The manfriend had to take my home at 7pm! opps! Probably something to do with the fact I only really had about three solid food meals in the 5 days prior, and a macaroni pie at 10.30 that morning.

I decided to start a juice detox on Monday. Weight loss aside, this was about jump starting my healthy eating plan. The smoking has been taken care off, I gave myself the time I needed to ensure the hypnosis had worked before I attempted to begin progress into New Years Resolution number 2! I had heard of other people doing these juice detoxes and it seemed an extreme, but beneficial way, to jump into healthy eating plans for life.

Manfriend didn't last a day. I made it to day 3 and caved, having dinner. So I juiced day 4 until tea time and all of day 5. Then when on juice of a very different type day 6, hence the state of me, day 7!

  I lost about 7lbs all together. Having put on from a weekend of cider and takeaways before juicing on the Monday. But the more impressive part was how good I felt. My energy levels were brilliant, my skin cleared up, my concentration was better. I would defo recommend it, even for a day or two, just to get a wee physical and ego boost.

In other news, I met my new physio. Tiny Australian Gorgeous Physiotherapist, who upon first meeting I did not feel appreciated the full significance that the pain in my legs is in my daily life. Feeling 80 when your not even 30, and having felt this way for almost 10 years, is not funny, now is it insignificant in my life. However, over the course of the hour I managed to convince her how difficult things have been for me and she sent me away with my list of stretches. I must do them every SINGLE day!! I am going back to see Skippy (yeah - I know it's an easy Oz link but it's late, I'm tired, and she is a little "bouncy", clearly due to her super flexible, easy bendy body) in two weeks. I shall update you on process.

Speaking of stretching, the girls and I at Pole class are taking photos of our stretches every couple of weeks to track any progress we make. 2014 is a bendy, flexy year for us all!!

In final, Pole related news, I did a crazy wild thing. I entered the 2014 Edinburgh Pole Competition. Beginners category, freestyle. Jessie J tune. Bricking it - you get the idea. I need a challenge.

So a busy week, but I'm still needing to get back into my exercises. I was worried about doing too much whilst juicing, in case my body went into shock. 7.15am metafit is booked in for tomorrow though. It's time to start embracing New Year Resolution 2 - Get Fit! Get Strong! Get Sexy!!

3 day juice detox.....day 1

Well it is day 1. I've had three juices made from fruit and vegetables.I'm starving. I've a sore head. I haven't eaten. I hate this. I want food. blah blah blah blah.....

I know it's for the best. I just need to power through.

You are feeling sleepy....verry sleepy

Yesterday I was hypnotised, by a beautiful individual called Jen. Today I am a non smoker.

I've never been hypnotised before. I've seen people get hypnotised on holiday and do really stupid things, but I've never volunteered, nor really thought much of the process. I have always believed in the unconscious mind, because I believe that we take in information beyond that which we actually remember. People facing near death situations have consistently reported huge chunks of information and images flash before them as the brain tries to find something to use to save itself from death, and the majority of this information people agree they couldn't consciously retain it.

However, the idea of past lives, external auras, energy fields, all of that I have never been sure of. Not to say I disbelieve it, but I've just never had strong feelings either way.

I've tried to stop smoking more times that I could honestly say. I've tried champix, zanex, patches, inhalers, nasal sprays, cold turkey, the lot. I've completed long drawn out nicotine replacement therapy, 12 week courses, where every day I am reminded that I am trying to stop, trying to quit, then I finally get there and although my body no longer wants cigarettes absolutely nothing has been done to support my brain.

I have been recorded as consistently low on the "addiction" scale, due to a variety of factors. The health model of addiction is to replace the physical chemical that the body is in need of and wean it off. Same is true of almost all addiction replacement drugs. Despite having a low physical addiction I have constantly struggled to loose the "need" for cigarettes, and came to the conclusion that I had a complete psychological addiction which needed addressed.

One of my work colleagues had been hypnotised in the past and stopped for 15 months as a result, I took the plunge and we contacted Jen, a hypnotherapist (amongst many other things) in Glasgow.                                                                                                                                                        

Yesterday I had my last cigarette, standing on the corner of Hope and Bothwell street, at 2.55pm.

I don't know if I can't explain what happened. I felt awake enough, at several points I thought to myself "this can't be working, I can hear absolutely everything", but then at other times I was saying things and seeing images that I couldn't say I was thinking about on a conscious level. I left feeling unsure, feeling that I probably could have a fag if I wanted, and thinking I may have just been completely scammed.

But since 2.55pm of the 4th of January 2014 I haven't smoked. I'm aware that I am not smoking, I feel kind of strange, but I'm not in pain over it. I'm sitting here this morning thinking it's weird that I haven't had a cigarette this morning, I'm very aware that I am not smoking, but I don't feel that fussed over it. I feel like a non smoker. In fact I kind of feel weird thinking about the not smoking, because why would I, I don't smoke.

I'm sorry, it's a complete ramble, I can hardly get my thoughts in order in my head, never mind on paper. But I feel confident that something is different, that I have broken a loop or a link. Something has changed.

I feel free.

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Happy New Year!

I love Christmas, I adore the shopping, the panic, the tree, the food, the frenzy. I love watching people open the presents I've thought hard about with great joy, and I love receiving my own presents, symbols that others have thought long and hard about me to.

Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book; write a good one - Brad Paisley

 The journal of clinical psychology has listed the top ten resolutions for 2014, and at the top of the list: Losing weight. In fact on average 38% of people who make resolutions will aim for weight loss, and of all this who make any resolutions only 8% will see them through.
 
8%...pretty small chance.

For the last 5 years or so I have probably made weight loss my resolution. Yet as I weigh in for 2014 I am once again heavier than I have ever been. It's quite dismaying at times, still feeling horrid about my appearance, looking bad over the improvements I've made, and the lags I've went through. Looking through the blogs, the pictures, the victories and the defeats and here I am, heavier than ever, once again.

My New Year Resolution List usually starts with desire to lose between ten and three thousands pounds" - Nia Vardalos

This year however, I will not be deterred, I don't see the last 5 years as failures, I can't. If I do then I'll never see past it. I love new year as much as I love Christmas. I had a wonderful time celebrating with my friends and family. I  brought in the bells with a Bacardi, with a kiss, and auld lang syne ringing in my ears. My plans were set, meals prep and detox were going to take place over the 5 days holiday that I have, kettlebells were set up for the launch into the exercise programme with the manfriend, all was ready!

Then the worst possible thing ever - I have been stricken with the dreaded flu-like lurgy. I'm loaded with the cold and have been holed up on the couch for 2 days now. I did manage to drag my butt off the couch long enough to shove a chicken in the slow cooker for me and manfriends first health dinner. Today I haven't eaten, well I've had two chocolate biscuits, and I think I'll hit the lentil soup later. I wanted to get this done, for sure, because the blog is going to be an integral part of the 2014 resolution.

Look out 2014 - check me out! Here I come!!