Preparing for the revolution in me.

I love New Year, I love the idea of a clean slate, a chance to start again with your goals. I have no stamina or commitment so knowing I can try again is a wonderful feeling.

I am determined to change that - for my lack of stamina to be my first new years resolution! That no matter what I will keep trying until the end of the year - if I don't achieve what I want, if I slip along the road, that doesn't matter, its not a broken promise - my first resolution is to make sure I keep plugging away, keep trying.

According to the statistical website thinkmoney.co.uk 34% of women who make resolutions will make them about losing weight, making it the most popular resolution for women. Of the total people surveyed 19% said their goal was to get fitter and complete more exercise. Which nonetheless leads to some weight loss as well. I couldn't get figures for numbers of people who commit to stopping smoking at the New Year, but its amongst the top 5 resolutions according to the NHS (bias source - I know).

So I, along with a good 50% of the resoluting population I will be aiming for the usual weight loss/healthier lifestyle. Here are my commitments for 2013:

1. To buy (and wear) a size 12 dress.
2. To complete a sprint triathlon.

I figures these would be better goals than go to the gym 4 times a week or lose X amount of weight because it puts pressure on me - less pressure the better. These two goals are obviously linked - as I train for the triathlon it will impact on my weight loss and toning.

I know stop smoking is not listed as a resolution - again the pressure of that is quite intense. But lets face it there is no way I can complete a triathlon whilst puffing on a fag.

So as I scoff the chocolate Christmas presents and look forward to New Year I know there will be changes in my life, whether I see Christmas 2013 in a size 12 dress or have a triathlon medal on my wall isn't important, as long as at Christmas 2013 I am happier and healthier than I was this year.

This will be a busy blog next year :))

Merry Christmas Everyone!

The last few weeks have been the toughest of my life, why exactly I can't put my finger on.

I love Christmas, it actually is my favorite time of the year. I love seeing my family, my friends, the nights out and the food!

But the last few weeks I have been far from jolly, maybe its work, maybe its my thyroid, maybe its the lack of vitamin D seen as my little corner of Scotland now only gets about 3 hours daylight. Maybe its a combination of all of the above, feeling lonely holed up in my little flat all alone for the first Christmas I've lived myself. I don't know what it is, but its like I've been spread thin, my motivation levels have been low, my energy next to nothing.

What ever the reason I am determined to make positive changes in my life, to readdress the balance of my mood. Tonight is the best I have felt in weeks, tonight I laughed with genuine happiness on the phone, tonight I am looking forward to tomorrow.

Christmas is an emotional time of year for many people. I have managed to escape the Christmas cover this year but I know that social workers are busy. It can be a very sad time for people, one of the saddest, and once again I realise what an important job I do, my profession does, alongside health and the voluntary sector in making sure the vulnerable are safe at this time of year.

Working with people makes you really appreciate the people you have in your life. I realised this week once again that I am truly blessed with the people around me. I have an amazing manfriend who I really don't know what I would have done without these last few weeks, my friends literally rock my world and I cannot wait to see them on Saturday (see picture for small indication of just how crazy we are!).

I am also blessed to have two healthy amazing parents. Last week my aunt passed away, she lived in Australia and I didn't really have a relationship with her but my heart broke for my cousins, who also lost their father this time last year. My parents are my world, alongside my brother, and my extended family.

They say that good people draw good people to them - sometimes I question my role in the world, my goodness. However I look at the people around me and I know that either they are completely nuts or I am the luckiest person in the entire world.

So on that note I wish everyone of you the happiest and best Christmas in 2012 and a wonderful New Year.. Stay safe and most importantly enjoy the people around you.

Christmas Treats!

Any of you that know me personally will know that I love love love baking. Its one of the few things I can actually do in a kitchen where the results turn out pretty well.

Problem is when I do bake I tend to end up eating it all as well, and as a firm believer in using the full fat best of the best ingredients in home baking (it does taste better I am sorry but low fat cheesecake is just not the same) they are not exactly the best for my waist line.

So now when I bake I try and make sure I have a thing to bake for, so at the very least someone else will eat the other 7 slices of the cake...

So this year I am going to attempt to do lots and lots of home baking and making sweet treats for Christmas. I looove Christmas and for me a big thing of Christmas is the puddings. I am never particularly fussed about the actual dinner; I don’t find the meat and two veg (insert appropriate male-body-part pun here) that appealing. I’d rather have pasta or rice with meat and sauce. I could take or leave a roast dinner at the best of times.

But the PUDDINGS are another matter. Cause you get to have more than one – people bring lots of different puddings. Trifle, cheesecake, cheeseboard, Christmas cake... a wee (haha) slice of each! Mmmm...

So this year in order to combine presents and keep things personal I am going to make chocolate truffles. I bought lovely jars and I am going to hand make the cards to go on them. So even though me and my friends aren’t doing presents this year – I don’t think I’ll get much rejection over a jar of homemade chocolate truffles – some with baileys, some with coconut...ooo I’ll need to freeze them or there’ll be none left by Christmas.

Last Years Xmas Cheesecake!

I am also going to attempt Christmas cake, as well as my now (since 2011) traditional baileys and white chocolate cheesecake (pictured), which didn’t set properly last year but I have learned from my mistakes and know where I went wrong. (both of these are WWer recipes but taste amazing!!)

It’s going to be a very, very, sweet Christmas this year!

WWers & NRT

So you may have read that I’ve decided to try the weightwatchers (WWers) plan again; for a variety of reasons. My stuff arrived (finally) this week and I launched straight into the plan before another weekend passed. I started on a Wednesday, cause I read somewhere that if you start a change on a Wednesday you are more likely to succed than any other day of the week.


I’m using a daily journal on top of this blog to try and keep me focused. This alongside my calculator and scales seems to be a good combination and things are going well. Things I’ve discovered include:

1) There is 14 propoints in super noodles!!! Never Again!!

2) Pole Class exercise earns me X activity points...get in!


I am focusing this week of 3 mini goals:
1. Staying within my points.
2. Tracking properly every day.
3. Drinking 1.5-2ltrs of water a day.


It may seem obsessive; weighing, pointing, writing everything down. Sometimes I wonder to myself how healthy (mentally) it is, but I am also self aware enough to know that my lack of self control with food is the reason I am the way I am in the first place.

In addition I am a control freak and being obsessive about my food has assisted me in my 2nd (but priority 1) goal – stopping smoking.

I’m on day 5 – no fags at all. I went to one of the stop smoking groups last week because I realised I couldn’t manage on my own and my GP just keeps giving me Champix, which is 12 weeks of hell on earth and does nothing but make me want to stop the Champix and smoke.

The group people gave me patches and an inhalator. The latter is for when I am in the car (a massive personal trigger). Using the two together is not something I would have done alone for fear of O.Ding on nicotine. The combination is working really well, I hardly use the inhalator – mostly when I am stuck in the daily traffic jam of my commute to and from work. I’ve been chocking up gunk from my lungs all week, part cold, part my body desperately trying to plurge my body of the gunk I’ve been filling it with for the last 10 years.

I had a CO2 reading at my group and it was 5%. Basically 5% of the air in my lungs is carbon monoxide....poision!

Oft...

But back to my original point – doing the two together.

Almost every hint and tip and professional advice is not to change too much at once. They usually use the house of cards metaphor – if one falls they all will. I get that advice, I do, but what I find is
that BOREDOM is a major trigger for both my compulsions to smoke and eat. By being on WWers I have to focus, it keeps me distracted and occupied but also restricts my eating. So maybe this is the perfect formula for me. Time will tell.

Doing it my way...

Ok so first few weeks of the recent stop smoking attempt have went ok. I have had a few days on them, and a few days off them and overall I feel  am fairing rather well. With the plan to stop for absolute good to take effect as of Monday (massive alcohol infused weekend coming up so I'm not going to delude myself) but I'm not using that as an excuse to go nuts, I haven't had any today and going to try not have tomorrow or Friday.

I'm still optimistic about the whole thing :)

On another weight related matter I have definantly decided to try weight watchers again, but after careful consideration I am not going to join  online or go to classes, for several reasons:

1) I've been on the bloomin' diet so long I know it inside out.

2) I have all the kit at home

3) I refused to pay £5 a week to be told I've stayed the same, my bathroom scales cost £3.75 out of asda and can tell me that week after week after week at no extra cost. I don't find meetings inspirational, fun or motivational. I think people moan, they moan and make excuses about why they haven't lost weight that week, or haven't for the last 2, then admit to 3 bottles of wine, a take away and missing their HUGE walks they take every day.

I'm honest with myself, yes I have thyroid condition but do you know what so has my Mum and she's a size 10. I am fat because I eat too much and move too little. I don't cook, rely on ready made/instant cook/ delivery food and I don't understand food.

I know the weight watchers works, because when I do it right I lose weight. Its a pain weighing stuff and all that, but I figure seen as I am creeping back over the 12 stone mark (AGAIN) I need a controlled eating plan to start me.

The only thing I don't have is a calculator to work out points because I'd do it online. So I ordered it today! I'll start the plan (hopefully) Monday and will be half a stone lighter by Christmas!
 

Plans, Goals and Haribo!

So it's the 2nd day of the recent quit attempt and we're also encroaching onto the scary countdown I-must-get-into-that-amazing-dress-for-Christmas (9 weeks people - 9 weeks!!). So as I venture into the world of quitting smoking and trying to get thin I figure I need a logical approach, a plan of action.

Now having completed several failed quit attempts I do at least have the knowledge of what doesn't work. Trying to put away £5 a day which I would smoke, doesn't work - i am still skint and resent being skint whilst not at least engaging with my addiction. Trying to eat every time I want to smoke, doesn't work - I just end up fat. Trying to replace cigarettes with exercise, doesn't work - I ended up with bursitis in one knee and almost lost a relationship. Trying to blog daily, doesn't work - as you can tell from my extensive two year blog which resulted in me returning to cigarettes and ignoring the blog.

So I'm going to try a combination of the above. My terms, achievable goals, and an achievable plan.

The plan: Save up £1 for every smoke free day I have.
The plan: Lose 1lb a week until Christmas.
The goal: Look fabulous 9lbs lighter and in a smoking hot dress purchased with my cigarette money (see picture).

The plan: Gentle regular exercise to a) help lose the weight b) gain fitness and c) motivate me to stay off of cigarette.
The goal: Look fabulous 9lbs lighter and more toned in smoking hot dress (see picture 2).

The plan: Blog regularly when I can about how I am feeling.
The goal: successful negotiate the quit attempt and lose weight.

The plan: successfully lose 9lbs and stop smoking....

The Goal: be a fitter, happier and healthier me!
(and to own that dress!!)

2 blogs, 2 elements of life, combined...cigarettes have become part of the beauty myth.

For any of you who have read my blogs of the past you will know that as an attempt to increase willpower I started a Cigarettes and Me Blog, charting my progress as I attempted to quit smoking.

The first was on the 28th of August 2010....and as the blog continued so did I. Right through 5 attempts in the last 2 years to kick this terrible habit. The excuses vary, the beginning is always the same - I'm feeling pumped, this is the last time I'm doing it, I'm ready.

Hiding a fag with the ashtray right in front of me October 2012!

The honest truth is I am not any of those things today. I haven't had a cigarette all day, I finished my spanish packet last night, and basically this'll be attempt 7 or 8 since 2012. I am not pumped, not ready to go. Truth is I am terrified. Terrified I will fail again, terrified that I'll let people, and me, down again, terrified that I won't be able to cope without cigarettes I need to talk about it, I blog about everything I am feeling so I know I'll need to blog about it. But I didn't feel right keeping it separate like I have in the past. My weight - the point of this blog, and smoking - are intrinsically linked. I put weight on when I stop, I lose when I start again. But the bigger picture - the beauty myth - is all of me together. So I am joining forces with my old blog and any cigarette updates will also be on here.

I thought a nice way to start would be to re-publish my first ever cigarette blog - entitled My Friend Polly. A glimpse into my thoughts 2 years ago, and hopefully a point of reflection that will allow me to evaluate how much I've changed, how much my life has changed, and all the new reasons why this attempt will hopefully be the last.

Polly was there for better and for worse, in sickness and in health. Polly was there when boyfriends left or I left boyfriends, Polly was there when I failed my first driving test and passed the second. Polly was there when I had a pregnancy scare, at every birthday since I was 17, when I graduated high school and university. Polly was there when no one else was.

 Polly sounds like a wonderful friend.... replace Polly with Cigarettes.....

There is a very funny quote which says: " giving up cigarettes is easy, I've quit hundreds of times".

It increases the risk of cancer, of heart problems, it means you can't be fit, it makes you smell, it takes all your money and most of the time you hate it. Yet quitting cigarettes is the most difficult thing I have ever done. And I haven't even succeed yet.
 
I don't know if anyone will read this blog, but that's not really the point anyway. This is quit attempt 457 (just kidding but it feels like it) and this time I am determined to get off of cigarettes for good! I knew that I needed to do something different, something that I could focus on that would keep my hands busy, but at the same time I needed to talk about how I was feeling. I can't knit or sew and baking is out of the question because I want to avoid comfort eating everything in sight. So I decided to start a blog. Why not? Seems the whole world is online, I hope that it will serve as an cyber diary where I can offload how I feel without the embarrassment of having my mum find it in my knicker drawer (been there, done that, not pretty!)
 
So I suppose I should give you some information about myself, just in case you are reading it!?
 
My name is Sarah and I am 23 years old. I first tried cigarettes when I was 13 as an attempt to get the "cool" kids in school to be my friends (a behaviour heavily attributed to being bullied at primary school). That was until my Mum caught me stealing fags out her packet and I got a good hiding plus was grounded for like a year!!

Never touched them after that, in fact I joined the school hockey team, everything was fine, until I turned 16. Suddenly I found myself hanging with my friends at the park at the weekend (I know I know please don't judge me!) and we were buying alcohol and somehow I started smoking again. When I got caught this time I had the law on my side, all my Mum said was that if I wanted to smoke I had to get a Saturday job, so I did.
Fast forward 7 years; after failures and successes, falling in love and quickly back out of it, getting into uni, meeting new friends, losing old friends, moving out of home, moving back home, I find myself in a funny world of contentment. Having been with my boyfriend (and Mr. Right I may add) for almost 3 years and finally shifting some weight I realised that my life was good. I have a great relationship with my parents (who I still live with by the way) and younger brother, I am doing well in my Masters course in Social Work so the career ambitions are going well, I have a part time job I love and a great group of friends. The only thing I hated about myself was my body (along with every other 23 year old I know to be fair) so I started to lose weight.
 
Suffering from an under active thyroid meant that I had to work very hard to lose weight and with a history of yoyo dieting I didn't hold our much hope. Then I discovered exercise and pretty soon I had lost over a stone and was back to a comfortable size 14. I felt amazing and even went to Gran Canaria with 3 skinny mates and still felt sexy. However, the exercise was grinding to a halt and my progress slowed, I wasn't getting any fitter and it was time to end my only 100% committed relationship I have ever had.....Polly.
I never had an epiphany or a health scare, no one close to me had cancer and I was able to afford to smoke (all smokers are). Then I asked my boyfriend one day if there was anything he could change about me what would it be.... he didn't even blink "I would make you a non-smoker".
 
I began to analyse myself and my relationship with cigarettes. If my boyfriend tried to dictate my moves, alienate me from my friends or drag me out of the pub I would have none of it. Yet I let cigarettes do it.... its time for this relationship to end
This blog is about my journey. I don't expect anyone to read it, it's more a tool to help me help myself and if I help someone else at the same time that's a bonus. So here we go..... Day 1....

All inclusive Carb/Alcohol Binge...and just 5lbs of a difference!

pudding and wine!!

So, 2 weeks in Lanzarote. The holiday was the reason I wanted to shake the pounds, tone up. It was first holiday with my man friend and I wanted to look hot!!

And, quite frankly, I was.

Ok don't get me wrong I wasn't were I wanted to be weight wise at that point, still about 7lbs more than what I hoped. But I was still a stone and a half lighter than on my last holiday, so I was pretty happy with myself.

So over the course of the fortnight. All inclusive, it was carb city - pasta, rice, bread, chips, at every meal, every day. I was good with the booze too, limited the beer and only had a few ciders. Instead sticking to the rum and having a few salads with fish at some meals. I even ran one day, and tried to swim as much as possible. We walked for miles at night, so there was some damage limitation.

However, a holiday is a holiday and I enjoyed myself thoroughly through-out :)

The damage - a measly 5lbs on.

not the full way there but much better than before :)

I am not too upset to be honest, especially as the manfriend put on 8!! haha!

Two different goals, two different perspectives

So things have been going ok, I'm still the same weight I was the last time I blogged. I keep gettin' told how good I am looking, but I struggle to see it when the numbers don't go down. When I voice this I usually get the "you're building muscle speech" - funny how everyone is an expert. My friend gave me it this morning, but she did go out with a personal trainer for years, so I'll probably give her credit in that there is a good chance she knows what she's talking about.

I am very dependent on the numbers. I need to see the change, see the results. If I don't it does have a frustratingly massive impact on me. Bad result = bad mood, bad day and bingeing. Good result = reward! You wonder why I don't get that many good results.

Honestly though I have resigned myself to the fact that I am pretty much going to look the way I look today on my holiday and I can feel the doubts creeping in. My belly seems more flabby, my flaws appear emphasised, when I know there is going to be bikini wearing situations in the not too distant future.

Still, positive thought dictates - I am still the lightest and thinnest I have been for almost 3 years. That is an achievement, and I know I'll feel good on my holiday. Its clear the implementation of exercise has been the missing link through all the diet plans, pill popping, fad extreme diets of the past.

However, my main motivator has been the manfriend. Mr manfriend has loved getting back into shape, and is really reaping the rewards of his efforts (as am I...if you know what I mean...*dirty laugh*). thing is though, we are starting to butt heads a little over this issue.

Manfriend wants to do a triathlon next year. He had mentioned it during the Olympics and I thought he just had Olympic fever and it would pass. Alas, no: he sent me the training plan out the blue one day....shit!
Once I had a look though it didn't seem too bad, fairly do-able actually (its a sprint one, not Olympic distances). The running is only 3 miles, which I already do, and more (although not running the whole way yet....8 out of the 10 mins to do a mile ain't bad.). I thought about the opportunity to do something really different for charity as well, and so I tentatively agreed.

Of course, this was a giant mistake. What I should have done is agree in my head but kept manfriend in the dark. There has even been talks of running on holiday.....on HOLIDAY!?!?!? Next thing I am getting asked about heart rate monitors, 90 page documents about nutrition. It all just seems a bit...much. 

To be fair I unfairly took it out on manfriend, as my stress levels are raised because I have 785 things to do in the next two weeks before we jet off. During the rant, sparked by the heart monitor discussion, I said this:

 "you exercise to get fit, I exercise to get thin."  

 You see I hate, physically hate, running. The whole time I am out, not being able to breathe, being too hot and sweaty. I hate the pain I am in during the run, after it. I hate the pains I get for days after doing the kettlebell program. I hate the lot! What I love, the reason I do it, is the results. I do feel better, happier, as a result of the endorphins. (released after the exercise). Most of all I love the shape my body is slowly developing. I have a waist, a nice waist, and bum is smaller, and my boobs. In fact from the boobs up, and my arms, I am getting quite a toned look.

Although manfriend loves his muscles, and his resulting physique of exercise, as well as I do, there is something else driving him. Manfriend loves goals, 4 miles, 6 miles, and beating them, beating the time, working on the endurance. Doing it faster, harder, pushing, pushing pushing. racing, against himself, other people, the clock. There is a competitive edge, a sense of self-gratification when goals are met and times are beaten.

I don't have that thing, that drive, to do this. I do what I need to do to keep losing weight.

Maybe this is something I need to think about more....? Thoughts?

A Gentle Reminder

Sometimes to stay positive it is important to remember how far you've came.

One of the reasons I become so frustrated with myself is that my weight loss is very slow, for a number of reasons - some of which are within my control and some of which are not. Blog fans will know I have an under active thyroid which affects the way my body changes energy to fat and fat to energy. Blog fans will also know I have an extreme love of cheese, chocolate and wine. Like I said - some things are within my control!

But here is a MASSIVE reminder of how far I have come in the last three years. I am still wearing the dress - but to be honest on the night out on the right it was far to big. I am sad to say my beloved blue body con may be going to the great wardrobe in the sky:

Even the beautiful and super fit feel fat sometimes

So thinks have been going ok, I've been putting on the odd pound, losing it. Basically maintaining at the moment. Not ideal, seen as I want to be losing, but better than gaining! Funny how if I was trying to maintain, I'd probably either put on or lose. Sods Law!

But the end is nigh. The Holiday is actually booked. YAY! It is booked 2 weeks earlier than what the original plan was....buggar! So that's two weeks less to try shift some poundage. In fact I go away in just 16 days!! So really I've a fortnight.

I'm not going to lose half a stone in a fortnight. To be honest I am trying to maintain until then.

Thing is I've been on a bit of a downer recently. I am smoking, pretty much all the time again. Which I am really annoyed about and it is having a massive impact on my exercise. I really need to stop before this becomes too ingrained in me once again. My poor mum is back on the fags too, life apparently becomes stressful around the August/September period. Oi!

Addiction is a difficult thing to give up, unfortunately. But good habits like running and exercise and eating well seem to be incredibly easy to drop at a moments notice:

Me to Karen "fancy a run on Wednesday night.....or cinema - Orange Wednesday?"

Karen to Me: "so do you want to see Ted or Brave?"

Thursday night I went to Pole Class, and had a really bad night. First of all I was uber tired. I'm on duty at work this week which is just manic. You work at a rate of 100mph on the quiet weeks, your productivity sores but 300% and I was in bed before 10 almost every night this week as a result. But mostly I was just having one of those days, the old insecurities creeping in, and I couldn't do anything right. I just felt horrible and ungraceful and was pretty much deflated by home time. It was nothing anyone in the class done, simply just my own mind set.

So first of all I text the manfriend, with something along the lines of "I'm fat, horrible and ugly meh meh meh" right? Do you know his reply....NOT "don't be silly you're beautiful!", NOT "call me and we'll chat it out", NEITHER any other form of sympathetic reassurance that I was fishing for. Instead I got "Fucking (yes he F'd at me) Sort Yourself Out, I Never Want to Hear that from you again."

I was livid, and drove home with a face like fizz. I called him and we chatted it out. He reasoned with me, applied logic to my situation and I truly hated him for it. Thing is I know he thinks I am beautiful, I know he thinks I am extremely sexy. Sometimes I don't understand why, but he tells me and shows me all the time.

This got me thinking, so I bbm'd (plug!) my friend Megan (pictured with moi on recent night out). Now Megan is a wonderful person, she's also a member of SFBP aka super fit beautiful people. What I love about Megan is despite being a member of SFBP she is the most modest and down to earth person I know, and she doesn't rub her SFBP membership in your face.

What intrigues me about the SFBP club is that I have never met or known anyone who is a member who hasn't always been a member. I've never seen, or known, anyone to go from being like me (couch potato, no exercise, bad habits/lifestyle etc) to become a member of the SFBP club. To the point were I have begun to internalise the belief that you always either are, or are not, allowed to be in the SFBP club.

So I bbm'd Megan and asked her how she stays motivated on fat/ugly/Ihatetheworld days (if of course she ever had them). She does apparently, in fact she has them all the time. Here was her reply:

"I remind myself I am fabulous and that the only reason I feel shitty is coz I've probably compared myself to someone else. And then this gives me the motivation to go to the gym for me! And after the gym I feel great, healthier and just better about myself"

I hadn't told Megan at this point I had gave the comparison reason to the manfriend just a short time previous. So when I told Megan the reasons I was annoyed at myself she surprised me with this:

"See just coz I ran a marathon still doesn't mean I can run 5 miles non stop...but I am ok with that coz its the way I do it!"

Sometimes I can't believe the people in my life, completely ordinary people who just continue to amaze me every day. So tonight I did 45 minutes of kettlercise instead of having a Chinese takeaway. Boom!

Oh and we went to see Brave - tres awesome, I would recommend!

4 miles and 2 loaves

So you'll never guess what!

I ran 4, yes 4, miles on Tuesday night. In a very respectable time of 45 minutes, which I was bloomin' proud of I tell ya.

On the down side I now have a hole in my skin where my sports bra rubs...oops!

But still, 4 miles. I can't believe it! I mean, I could barely run the length of myself a few months ago. So to run (interval training) for 4 miles is amazing! Plus we did 4 minute runs the whole way, with either a 1 or 2 min walk! I was so chuffed.

The downside - the manfriend now wants me to run it again on Friday groan...

However, I have also been sliding into my old unhealthy habits. Tonight and last night I just had toast for dinner, and rolls for lunch. The carb fest is becoming a daily problem again.... I really don't want to waste the work I've put in so far.

I got my bikinis through from H&M and I have to say I love em. Probably cause I look so good in them. This is a massive psychological step for me, cause lets face it its just underwear you wear in public...

Must keep going for the holiday.

Target 11lbs to go in 6 weeks...thats tough, but not unachieveable.
 

Pounding the pavements

Hey all!

Its been a while since an update, and well, there hasn't been much going on. I've kinda came off the Dukan, I found it really difficult to do long term, and the restrictions meant I was seriously binging at the weekend. Since I now allow myself some carbs during the week I don't find I go mental at the weekend - like a wee carb monster.

The Dukan has taught me to think more about my carb intake though. As an under active thyroid sufferer (although its not really suffering to be honest) I am supposed to have a lower carb diet anyway, because my body doesn't process the energy the same. Carbs have a lot of energy, slow release stuff, but my body turns energy into fat, and doesn't burn fat the same way (or rate) as someone with a normal functioning thyroid (lucky beggers you are!). So I have learned to not rely on carbs too much to make a meal - choosing wraps instead of rolls for example, is a great way to get the carbs down at lunchtime.

I am however still losing weight - last weeks weigh in was a fabulous 11st 6lbs. I am UNDER 11 and a half. Ok, only just under - but still under. I think I was about 18 the last time I was this weight, and I am empowered to keep going.

I have been running 2-3 times a week for a few weeks now. I was even dragged out on a Sunday (yes a Sunday) morning with my manfriend. Managed just under 6 miles on interval training - with a massive total of 40mins running!! If you had told me even a few weeks ago I would run 40mins I would ask what drugs you're on. I was really proud of myself for managing that amount, even if part of it was to show off a bit to the manfriend.

Another thing I did which I don't normally do is run with music. I used to run with music on my own, but since I started running with friends from work I stopped. Its a bit anti-social you know? But I was so self-conscience running with my manfriend I took my ipod (he also gave me headphones - as mine have done a total runner), but I figured this way I wouldn't have to talk to him, and he took his so he couldn't hear me struggling for breath (not the sexiest look). Wither having music made me run further (more than once I told myself, "just get to the end of the song!") I don't know, but I will maybe test the theory with the girls. Even running with music, I still felt better having someone with me.

I have a feeling that will not be the first time I am dragged from my bed on a Sunday morning!

The Secret is Exercise!

Went out for a second run today with the girls. Another 25 mins interval training, total of 18mins actual jogging! I know - 18mins! I am well proud of myself!

Then, just to be solid, I came home and did a 20 minute express kettlebell workout! My wee arms were aching trying to dry myself after my shower. Think I'll be feeling this heavily tomorrow :s

I am genuinely enjoying going out and doing the running again. I had tried it before (as my avid blog fans will know) and attempted to follow the NHS couch to 5k programme, but I never got past week 5 when it is up at the 3x5mins level - could never, never, do the last one! But being out with the girls we are currently running 2x4mins, then 2x3mins, then finishing on a 4min - I never thought I could manage that! Running with others definitely pushes you a bit harder, you don't want to be the one to give up, to slow down, and it turns out I can push through those last few minutes.

So tomorrow is most certainly a rest day, then we are running again thursday after which I am back into pole class.

Hate to say it, but this exercise thing is alright!

Dukan? well you see....

there is a story behind this, a story known as the weekend!

I have not been...ehm....stringent on the diet as of late.

First of all I went to Paris for the weekend, and had a fair amount of pomme frites; and bread, pasta and of course pudding. Although alcohol was kept to a fair minimum overall! On the other hand, I also walked, literally, for miles. All of over Paris, and of course all through Disney land (we had a 6 year old with us it was cool).

Came back and weighed myself finding I had lost a massive 3lbs!! Go me...
 

Then last weekend, well lets just say my "diet partner" has not exactly encouraged me to stay on the straight and narrow at this time. Bought me Indian on Friday night and ploughed me with wine. Then Saturday we had rolls for breakfast. I then had me amazing friend Jenny's surprise birthday dinner which was a Chinese, cake and alcohol. Sunday more rolls (hangover) and pizza and garlic bread for dinner.

The damage....4lbs on!

Oi!


On a positive note though, Paris was the first holiday I have had in a long time where I genuinely felt really good about my body. I am not were I want to be yet, but I did feel comfortable in my clothes for the first time in a while. City breaks are great, not prancing about in a bikini (which is effectively a bra and pants, lets face it) in front of strangers for a start. But I could feel a major difference in my energy levels and I felt great in my summer clothes (some of which were quite tight tbh). Even down to the amount I sweated, I know its not a nice topic, and Paris was not sweltering, but I didn't get that all over uncomfortable perspiration that comes with being over weight as well. I felt really good about myself, and didn't once feel fat. 

So today I am back on the straight and narrow (altho the diet partner had pasta for lunch...fs man!) I had my oatbran porridge for breakfast, 2lts of water, butternut squash soup for lunch (was v yummy) and a bowl of cereal for dinner. Went out with my very good friend Karen for some interval running (I say running...jogging, barely) and we managed a total of 18mins, with 1 min intervals of walking. Grand total of 35mins movement! Not bad I'd say!!

the goal - 1 stone off for my holiday in October - I have a white bikini to get into!!!

7lbs lighter and off to paris!

So I have been following the Dukan now for a few weeks and I am also the first to admit that I have stopped blogging as much! To be honest its not been a direct result of the diet - my life has been beautifully chaotic at the moment! I have so much to do, and so many things going on, and I am loving every single minute of it!

The Dukan has been very difficult, and I come off it pretty much every weekend (I am a binger - I am not ashamed!) but the results have been amazing. I have lost half a stone in 3 weeks - on the weightwatchers that would probably take me about 3 months!

I am seeing a difference in my appetite - my oatbran porridge and water in the morning does seem to sustain me until lunchtime. Although pure protein days started off a little difficult - as it always seems as though something is missing. However, I am getting more adventurous with homemade sauces and reading the labels on things means I am finding new things I am allowed (such as Reggae Reggae sauce - Yaldi!)

Overall, its a tough diet - but it is a diet! and it is working!

So I am off to Paris a comfortable size 14 and much happier in myself for losing another half a stone!

Day 1 of the Dukan!

So I decided that I would give the Dukan diet a try - namely because my cousin and his wife started it 7 weeks ago and are both looking actually awesome! I knew it'd be really hard because I am a carb fiend - but then I figure maybe that is what is wrong - I eat too many carbs!

So I found the book in a charity shop (if I believed in fate I'd say it was - instead i'll just say it was a happy consequence) so for the total cost of 79p I was told that this diet would not only produce very fast results, but I would stay skinny by only doing it one day a week for the rest of my life.

1 day of sacrifice a week to be skinny forever....I am all over this bad boy!

Also, my lovely new boyfriend (yes, we are using the term boyfriend - I know, I am growing) has decided to do the Dukan with me. Which is great!! So we both started today, phase 1 - the attack phase.

The Attack Phase is pretty restricted, but it is only meant to last from 1-10days depending on how much weight you need to lose. For our weight loss goals the boyfriend and I are doing it for 6 days. Basically in this phase all you can eat is:

• Lean beef
• Veal
• Rabbit
• Offal
• Chicken
• Turkey
• Lean ham
• All fish (you can still include oil-rich fish as these contain heart-healthy omega-3 fats)
• Seafood
• Eggs
• Fat-free natural and flavoured yogurt (but not fruit yoghurt as these contain fruit or fruit puree)
• Fat-free fromage frais
• Quark
• Cottage cheese
• Skimmed milk

In addition, you can use spices, lemon zest, soy sauce, herbs, garlic, vinegar, onions, shallots, gherkins and mustard to add flavour.

Plus, you should also have 11/2tbsp oat bran a day to help fill you up (Dr Dukan recommends using it to make a ‘galette’ where you mix it with fat-free fromage frais or quark, egg and artificial sweetener and then cook it like a pancake).

You must also have at least 1.5 litres of water every day – you can use this to make tea, herbal tea or coffee.

Pretty restrained list right?? Tell me about it! I am struggling today and have had ALOT of coffee because I am having a cup trying not to eat! Even the fruitpots in the bottom of my fridge are looking pretty awesome at this point (never mind the chocolate under the coffee table!!! which is coming to my work tomorrow and the girls shall be forced to eat it!!!) 

Goodbye to WeightWatchers!

This post is a sad one, but a decision has been made!

I am leaving weightwatchers!

There is a whole host of reasons. For anyone that reads my blog regularly there has been indications that I have been a bit fed up with the plan. Its not really fitting in with me, and the changes in my life mean that an internet only membership isn't ideal. Plus I figure the money I am paying could be better spent on other things - like fitness classes!

Overall though I have just lost interest, and probably my desire to be a wee skinny bugger has died out a bit. My friends and family are a big reason as to why this is - the constant compliments have finally got under my skin. Plus, I do now have a boyfriend (yes an actual real boyfriend) who happens to think that I am very sexy, especially because I have curves!

So although I will probably move onto a diet new I shall at this time say goodbye to my weightwatcher friends. Who, above all else, have kept me motivated to achieve the incredible weight loss I have accomplished so far (1st 6lbs guys!!) 

I hope you all keep well :)) Keep going!! If anyone wants to keep in touch you can e-mail me at sconway16@hotmail.co.uk. Or follow my other blog: http://thebeautymythrelived.blogspot.co.uk/

See (less of) you all soon xxxx

3lbs off...the benefits of exercise (and being skint)

So after 9 days of half hearted concentration on my weight loss I came home with a staggering 3lbs loss. Although I have been keeping an eye on things, and trying to eat salad, I've always been literally skint, and therefore not ate much more than cereal at home!

In addition, the lead upto the pole show meant lots of extra practices. My pole routine and another dance routine I had to do meant I was dancing about to musical theme tunes at home the whole week!

Also, for those of you who are not on my facebook page - a significant life event happened to me recently. I changed my relationship status - from "single" to "in a relationship". I met a guy a few weeks back and that has had a massive impact on me. Namely because I sooo do not want the early relationship weight gain - the result of nights in/out!

However, the additional....ehm....well....exercise - seems to certainly pay off! :)))

Re-Inspired to stick around for a while longer!

So, for a while there I was feeling quite down in the dumps (as can be seen in my previous blog). Its not just about the weight loss (or lack thereof) but there was a lot going on in my life, a lot of stresses. Dieting (or eating healthy or whatever you want to call it) was no on my list of priorities. In fact, it was the cause of anxiety. I wasn't eating well, which was causing what I call the "dieters guilt", which of course resulted in more binging.

I was on the verge of quitting, but wanted to take me time to ensure I was definitely making the right choice. My thoughts floated to my darker moments, crying before nights out (or in the morning before work), embarrassment when I couldn't get that dress on (or off) in the changing rooms despite being a size up, the shame as I stood on another set of scales and realised that this was the heaviest I have ever been.

My first thought was - its obvious, the plans don't work - if they did you wouldn't be returning for the 14th time since you were 20!! However, I have seen for myself proof that the plans do work. The reason they are different isn't because of their science its because of us, people, who are different - its all in the head. I have invested time, emotions and a shed load of money into a variety of slimming clubs and every time I come away I rejoin a year or two later: dejected, rejected and sad.

2 things have happened in the last few weeks that have shifted my perspective once more. First of all there is a glimmer of hope on the love life front. Its very early doors (I haven't even changed my facebook status yet!) but one thing that is clear already is he is very attracted to me. I know this, because he tells me. Yet, almost as soon as the words are out I can feel myself disagreeing, arguing, disbelieving. This is neither attractive nor the good foundation of a relationship! Its not fair on me (or him) for me to let doubt creep in after a few dates.

More significantly I have organised a girlie beach holiday!!! YAY!!! October 2012 - me and 3 of my bestest are hitting a far off sun soaked land with LOADS of alcohol! I refuse to let another holiday be ruined when perusing the pictures after and thinking if only, i wish, why didn't i do something about myself when I had the time... etc etc!

So, the Wii comes out tonight, what ever it says we go with and tracking starts tomorrow! Here's to inspiration, and GOAL!!!

totally scunnered!

Haven't weighed myself in a fortnight, because according to my wii I somehow put on 1.5stone in a week. I don't think so! I was so upset, I binged for a week.

I am seriously considering giving up on this whole weightwatchers makary. In fact, I am considering giving up the whole diet carry on. I have so much other stuff going on it just seems bottom of my list of priorities. I spent all my time thinking about food, I eat, and either feel guilty or unsatisfied. I hate cooking, so all this recipes and effort just doesn't float my boat. I am fed up with hating my body, feeling bad about myself and second guessing myself all the time.

To be honest since I have went online only I haven't really had the same love for the plan as I have had and I am seriously considering quitting. I figure I've been involved in one diet club or another long enough to know what I should and should not be eating! I know I need to exercise more and eat less junk. I am really thinking about going back to basic calorie counting and staying under 1000 a day, because all this is really just making me feel so bored.

I have had enough of feeling bad about myself, my choices and my body. Because actually some people actually think I am bloomin' beautiful and i think it is time I did so to!

1st week online only...a giant F I am afraid!

So this was my first week as an online only member and I am afraid the overall result is a giant F for fail. Now, before I start being too hard on myself I want to make people aware that I am aware of the following things:
1. Overall I am still much slimmer than what I was.
2. I have stopped smoking which is taking its toll emotionally and psychologically.
3. My stomach is all over the place as a result of the anti-smoking pills...I didn't go to the toilet for a while, have terrible wind and am still very irregular. I know this is not a pleasant discussion, but non-the-less important when considering weight loss.

So, I know all of this I do. I also know that this week I have not tracked, I have ate a lot of chocolate and cheese. Yes, I also did 2 runs, a 40min zumba and pole dancing, but I knew I would put on.

What I didn't expect to put on was 4 f**king pounds! Excuse the expletive but I am so genuinely devastated about this gain. I feel like I have taken a massive  leap in the opposite direction. 4lbs is a lot of weight to gain, in a week!! I only gained 5lbs over a fortnight in bloomin' Thailand.

So overall, annoyed, gutted, frustrated, pee-d off, sore, down-todden and needing a sever kick up the backside...something that only i can do.

10% YAS!!!

So today is the last day of my old plan as I have left my WWer meeting and have decided just to do the plan myself using the online tools. So I decided to weigh myself today on my wii and use that as my starting point.

I have apparently lost a half pound :)) woohoo!

This takes me to my 10%. Which means I have lost 10% of my starting body weight :)) Its a great motivator and tomorrow is going to be the start of the next chapter of my weight loss journey. My targets are the same, I want to be at goal for my 26th birthday and wear a size 12 dress :))

Will keep you  in the loop as always!

Motivation is....

Small knockback but moving on!

Ok so after a pretty bad week, coupled with it being THAT week, I put on 1lb. Not ideal, 1lb of fat is quite a lot (well when it comes off its huge) and I usually bluff a STS when I am naughty. Obviously too naughty this week!

But I won't let it hold me back. Because once again I have proved to myself that when I don't stick with the plan I put on weight, and when I do stick to the plan I lose. Pretty simple really!

So this week, despite relocating to my parents whilst essential car maintenance is done, and a night out planned with the gang, I will stick to this plan. I want another 2lb lose!

Also, my cheeky pound on means I've been bumped back upto 27pps a day! Woop! an extra choccie for me!

Slightly less successful week 2 with 2 days to weigh in

Well after a proper boost, 2lb loss last week, I have not been the weight watcher angel I know I can be. A house warming on saturday involved my buffet, which I did point...kinda....and lost track of what I ate (salad and fruit trays weren't even opened), alcohol on top of that and then a chinese takeaway sunday (and the other half Monday) to feign off the hangover and complete my weekend of self indulgence.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVED every minute of it!

I have also completed my hour of pole dancing and managed 2 runs on week 4 of the couch to 5K plan as I am meant to running a 5k in May with other WWer girls in my class. So I am hoping I have completed some damage limitation on that front.

Just need to wait and see on Wednesday, but whatever the result I KNOW I can do this this, I've proved it! Goal for 26!!

1st Week Weigh In!

Ok, its not exactly my first weigh in, I've been on this plan for what feels like forever. BUT if you read my last blog entry you'd realise that last week was about drawing a final line in the sand and giving this plan a fighting chance, putting 110% into this for 2weeks, and if the result is not what I want then I would walk away.

Well, I stayed within my points, I tracked everything and I was good. I also had a meal out on Saturday, a night out Saturday night and a meal out on Sunday :)) Good diet huh!?

What I never got round to was SHRED, in fact all I managed was an hour of pole dancing class, of which I am only a beginner and therefore not working as hard as I will be in the future if I keep it up :s

Well...drum roll please........................2 WHOLE POUNDS OFF!

The last time I lost more than 1lb in a week was awwwwwway back at the start of my weight watchers journey, when you lose more anyway....boo.

Just goes to show you what you can do when you put your mind to it!

So the good work continues for this week as I continue to live the plan! This week I am having a housewarming party, but plan to point EVERYTHING I make for the buffet and stick the list in the drawer, that way I can eat and not panic about tracking. Well if your having a houseparty you may as well be safe in the knowledge lol!

2ndly I am defo going to try up my exercise again. I have pole again tonight, but I NEED to get out for at least 2 runs if I am going to attempt the 5k in May!

So guys, stick with me, as for a change I am sticking with myself!

Pole Dancing and Paper Parcels

This week, and the next, I am determined to give the plan 110% to see if I can really do it and evaluate the weight loss. Then I plan to make a conscious decision on wither or not this plan is actually going to work for me!

So yesterday I TRACKED everything - including the 3 sneaky digestives and choccie philly that i had! I also decided that I needed to find a new exercise, one that I enjoyed and found more interesting that just running. Based on my friend's amazing transformation, not only physically, but mentally, as a result of pole dancing I thought I would give it a try.

So I went, alone, along to a class in Kilmarnock. I was the only beginner there, everyone is a level 2 or 3. AWKWARD! Plus side was I got my own pole and a full half an hour of the teachers time. In fact, the teacher was so encouraging, and friendly, that I was instantly put at ease. She told me I need three things: control, confidence and OMPH! I am certainly lacking in the last two....in fact probably all three...but this is what I hope I to gain. I had to strut my stuff around this pole, wiggly my hips, my boobs - it's not sleazy, but it is about being sexy! Even at the end of the hour I felt very sexy :) and sore...oh boy did I hurt...

My shoulders, biceps, triceps, hips, thighs....ouch-y! A hot shower and some stretching and am not too bad today...but decided that my shred story may have to wait till tomorrow to begin.

As part of my new motivation I decided I would try make a weight watchers meal out of the magazine. Cooking for one can be great, you can have what you want, you don't have to worry about other less healthy people demanding nice things you don't want to spend points on.

However, it can also be really difficult, because you have to make all the effort. Sometimes recipes seem a bit much bother for the sake of just yourself. BUT today I went shopping and thought I would try the Trout in a Paper Parcel recipe in my WWer magazine (p50). And here it is -----> TADA!!! Not only was this a challenge as it was fish, it was also fish I'd never tried before. BUT it was absolutely amazing :)) and for like 8pps (11 in the mag but I changes a few bits round and used a smaller piece of fish!)  it was fresh, light and tasty dinner that allows me 4pps for the rest of the evening (a wee glass of vino me thinks!!)

Last Chance Saloon

I am at a stage...again....when I am fed up....at a point...again....where its make or break time....and I am probably sick of writing this as much as you are sick of hearing it.

WeightWatchers doesn't seem to be working for me....or maybe I am not working for WeightWatchers. But I am too heavily invested now to back out, so here we go - and I sincerely mean it this time when I say...this is THE last time. Whatever happens...

Goal: I want to be at Goal for my 26th birthday - thats 1st and 4-11lbs (I haven't really set a goal yet, but that gets me into a healthy BMI range) thats about 28 weigh ins, an average of 1/2-1lb a week - very very doable!!

Mini Goal: 10% (which is only 31/2lbs away!) for end of April - that's 1lb-1 1/2lbs a week...also very doable.

Mini Goal 2: the next 1stone mark: 12 and 1/2lbs away - ideally for my imaginary holiday at the end of July :)) 15 weeks away: a lose of less than 1lb a week.

All these goals are totally achievable: and here's the tools:

1. My weight watcher food scales - NEED to use these bad boys much much more!
2. My Pedometer - NEED to remember to put it on every single day!!
3. My 30 day shred dvd - getting stuck into that Thursday Morning!
4. My C25K podcast download - free from the NHS website - I will be running 5ks in 9 weeks!
5. E-source: more time and dedication to my online support!
6. TRACKING: this has lagged MEGA style - back on this, even if I have to write it down then put it online!!
 7. Photos: Going to get my FAT photos printed and stuck all over my kitchen! Skinny photos are going onto the mirror!

Tomorrow I am going to my meeting, assessing the damage, picking myself up, dusting myself off and getting on with this plan! I have no nights out, no meals, no distractions this week!

But this really, truly, honestly, is it! No more moping, no more saying "it's a fresh start". Its officially make or break! 

Takes just 1 person to make you smile again!

I want to share with you a message I received on facebook from a friend who read my blog:

Oh Sarah, I have just read your blog and think most of us probably know this feeling. The weight issue is a blimmin nightmare! Have you ever "made a decision" o just stand still with your weight? It's like just being on maintenance fr a few months. Not trying to lose but just stay the same. I have seen the recent photo's of you, and you look totally gorgeous. You've successfully qualified as a Social Worker (no easy feat) you have your own funded home, a bevvy of equally lovely friends, a family that love you! That spells out a very successful person so far! and your no where near 30 !! The type of blokes that like the "skinny, model,thick, self absorbed, needy,high maintenance" girls , are equally as stupid, needy and self absorbed. They often see these girls as trophy's, and do you know what Sarah in 5-10 years when they have had the babies, the money runs out for high maintenance upkeep they look rough - and it makes me laugh! I have seen this first hand - having been feeling exactly like you 20 years ago!! I wish I knew then what I know now. And that is no consolation for you right now I know!! However, think about what kinda guy would you be interested in? someone, intelligent, with aspirations, hopes and dreams, good career prospects, some ne who would be a lovely Daddy, so please when your being critical of your lovely self, look at the positives, think about weight only being a part of you - but never let it be what and who you are about! Raise your standard on the guys and think about the qualities your looking for - those guys are never the gobshites and look further than the packaging. You will meet someone very lovely maybe have a little glimpse in different places!! Remember your a very successful young lady, gorgeous, clever and witty and emotional fuckwits won't get it because they can't process information properly!! (that last bit was just me being nasty) !!! lots of love to you xxxx"

I know some amazing people - it's enough to make me smile! From ear to ear! Chin up and carry on!

Getting to that fed up stage where I really can't be £$+??!!*

I am totally and utterly fed up, once again, by the way I look and the way I feel as a result. I am fed up watching T.V and seeing beautiful but genuinely really stupid people get romance, excitement, fun, adventure, praise...for WHAT!? For being stupid and shallow but with a great body!?

Take embarrassing bodied per exampleur, Dr Hunky was in Ibiza doing free STD tests on the beach (well in a tent...not like right there on the beach...) and the general attitudes of these girls and guys...O.M.G!
Now, I am in NO WAY a prude, and I enjoy a good holiday one-nighter as much of the rest of them, and yes, I am fully aware that these idiots will be playing up a little to the cameras. The reason I got annoyed was because I could not take me eyes off of them, and I am talking about the girls.

My friends are settling down, having babies, living with boyfriends or falling away. I feel like I am at a really delicate phase in my life and I don't have special people to share it with. I understand that there is an element of moving on, growing up. And I know that I have moved far away from my friends...

I don't know what's going on with me right now. I just feel so lost.

I hate the fat...hate it. But what I do know is that my body size or shape doesn't affect my friendships, or my personality - not completely. I know that my perception of my body is hugely influenced by the world I live in, the media atrocity that is modern UK society. Stupid shows like Take Me Out, The Love Machine...have you seen those girls. They are even worse than celebs and glam models, because they are real. They are real life breathing girls who are walking down a main street near you. How do you compete with that?

I just don't know if my heads in the weight-watchers game anymore. I eat things I know I shouldn't, I feel guilty all the time, I think about food ALL the time. I just don't know where my mojo or willpower has gone recently :((