It's time to move on...

don't worry, I'm not moving on physically, just cyberly. Blogger has official bored me to tears. It's impossible to blog on the go and is very unkind to my photos. I feel my blogging skills have gone past the basic blogger tools so I am moving on to pastors new:

Namely http://crazechickadee.wordpress.com/

I will leave the blog up for a week or so to allow the strangles to adjust to the news. Then I am going to save my wonderful writing on a hard drive, that I will then lock in a drawer and vow never to read again until I am in a better place.

Change your attitude

My last blog was short and certainly not very sweet. I was slightly upset when my long term binging finally caught up with me in the form of size 16 jeans.

I've taken time, real time, to think about my body image: especially after the almost instantaneous response I received following my last blog.

My cousin sent me a Facebook message as soon as she read my blog. She was clearly passionate about my blog, and was particularly fired up by my labeling myself as a number. Not only did she remind me to reread my blog's introduction but added some notes of her own:

"keep working on loving yourself. I am too. I like reading your blog, keep writing it. But never hate yourself. IF you do, they've won. Write down all the things you love about yourself. I for one, know that your are smart, beautiful, brave and selfless. That all pretty awesome. You inspire me with they way you are actively trying to be in control of your body. pole dancing ffs! all power to ya sister! but please don't define yourself by a number. keep doing what your are doing and don't waste years of your life trying to be super skinny. I actually don't think us Conway's are supposed to be x  This doesn't mean I will quit and spiral to a size 22! but 16 is the average size in the UK and Australia I'm pretty sure!"

"I'm aware that justification is another hypocritical position. but that something I'm having trouble navigating myself :) that's probably why i like your blog."

"it was only this morning i read an article called 'how i stopped hating my body' It was a link on the news page! 'recommended for me' i thought glumly- great my online footprint thinks i'm fat! but i clicked on it... and it was pretty cool. My favourite line was this "my body is not an ornament... it is the vehicle to my dreams" And I realised my online footprint is linked to women fighting the status quo, it wasn't linked to a miracle weight loss site. And that felt good. So long as your body doesn't prevent you from living your dreams (keep doing the awesome stuff you do) then FUCK it Sarah! Your body is only a temporary home for your soul. And your soul is beautiful. Gratitude is the key to happiness. Not slimness. So go write down the reasons that you're great. Hope your having a better day x x"

Now, firstly, I am aware that her writing is spectacular and yes we clearly are a fantastically talented family. No you cannot stop subscribing to my blog and read hers...

Secondly, and obviously the more important point of the two, is that my cousin is completely right. That somewhere along my journey I've shifted perspective and became immersed in the body image that society demands. I've become obsessive, to a point of unhealthy, to a stage were all I do is moan and take no action. I've deluded myself to a negative way of thinking, and I shouldn't have. As I sit here full of the flu, perfectly unwell, I have had the time to really think about what I want and why.

But at this stage those thoughts are scribbles on paper and not for cyber publication right now. Right now the focus is and very much should be on the most significant points:

That despite growing up in two very different cultures, with different families, in different contexts there is an awareness, a pressure, to look a certain way. That despite these different upbringings there is a shared feeling on failure when we do not conform to the norm. But also, despite all of that there is a desire to push away from societal norms and concentrate on something much more important: happiness.

The happiness that comes with the acceptance of your body, the feelings of desire for it, the contentment of being physically healthy.

It's time to remember why I started this journey, look back at my inspirations, and make a positive step in the direction that I, not society, chose!

Posted via Blogaway

Posted via Blogaway

Size 16

It's official: I'm a size 16.

I've literally got two pairs of jeans I can squeeze into, I've never been so disappointed in myself. Ever.

Posted via Blogaway

Pamper time

Pamper plans for tonight:

1. Shower

2. Tan

3. Face mask

4. Hair mask

Me? Excited! I'm excited about getting pretty for the weekend.

I may not be where I want to be figure-ly but I can certain enjoy the shape I'm currently in.

Posted via Blogaway

The wonders of technology!

Hi there!

This,very early morning blog comes to you courtesy of Google tablet, complete with scrolling finger keyboard!

I wanted to take a minute and talk about technology. And the uses it has in modern diet and fitness goals. I woke at 5.30am this morning, for whatever reason, but had no desire to get out of my bed. So I switched on my tablet, recently donated to me by my Papi (the father).

Within 20-30mins I knew the following:

1. Paula Walker and Gillian Cooke are in action for Great Britain in the women's bobsleigh today in winter Olympics.

2. The Scottish government is being given the power to issue its own bonds, the UK government has announced.

3. That several of my "friends" like to say "goodnight" to their fellow facebookers

4. That one of my fav authors; Oscar Wilde, had something to say about women.

Technology is probably one of my favourite things in the world. I don't have the money or desire to have the biggest latest craziest gadget out all the time, but I have no fears of the cyber world. I take precautions and embrace the unknown. Hence my blog, Facebook, Instagram and pin interest addiction. I am also on my phone constantly and my new tablet toy will probably make things worse.

But my lying in bed (now 6.33am) and catching up with world events and social gossip did get me thinking about the use of technology in weight loss. I blog about it sure but that is not prescriptively what blog spaces are for: a market as profitable as the diet sector cannot have been missed by developers.

In fact if you search for "diet apps" on Google play you are displayed with 250 options. 250 different apps offering a range of support: from individual plans such as Dukan or Caveman, to hints and tips to receives to detoxes. A range of price too: many are free (but flood with adverts) to a few £££s. None are particularly expensive as a result of a flooded and easily accessible market. Choice and potential value for money is high! I found similar results for "fitness", "weight loss" and "healthy eating".

I am also aware that slimming organisations such as weight watchers also have apps for their members. Giving them instant access to trackers, plans, recipes, support, instructions and advice.

Right now all I'm doing is calorie control. I know that's not always enough but I've decided to start with the NHS 12 week plan were you build skills and knowledge slowly. In order to count my calories I am using an app (application or programme for those who don't know which are accessed on smaller devices such as a tablet or smartphone) called myfitnesspal, it's fairly basic but has a big database of foods. It also tracks any exercise you do and your weight. I honestly would struggle with simple calorie control without it.

There's 31kcals in my coffee with milk for example...who knew…?

I also have an app called workout couch which has a variety of exercise programmes. This is great if I'm unable to get to a class. I need instruction or I'm lazy so this app ensures I don't slack.

Theoretically weight loss should be easier and cheaper. Problem remains though: there isn't an app that stops me putting food in my mouth. Damn!

Posted via Blogaway

i'm an....

Weighed myself tonight.... Not pretty. I'm half a stone heavier than I have ever been in my entire life.

13st 7lbs.

189lbs

85.73kilos

I could...no I did....cry!

How can I carry on like this? How can I?
Why am I doing this? I'm eating, non-stop, then moaning about my weight.

I'm an asshole!

Oh Boy

Ugh!!

It's February! FEBRUARY!! And I am exactly the same weight I was when I started trying to lose weight like 5,000 years ago!

UGH!!!!

I've just ordered a dominoes as well.....UGH!!!!

I'm 5 weeks off the cigarettes. Which is amazing. I do feel fitter and healthier for sure. I can breath better, I have more energy, less gunk, and I am less grumpy.

But diet and exercise regime....gone to pot. I've not blogged, not tracked, not cared... not like me.

January was a tough tough month, but I am continuing to expand at a ridiculous rate!

Must do better. Do I have a plan...nope!

UGH!