For any of you who have read my blogs of the past you will know that as an attempt to increase willpower I started a Cigarettes and Me Blog, charting my progress as I attempted to quit smoking.
The first was on the 28th of August 2010....and as the blog continued so did I. Right through 5 attempts in the last 2 years to kick this terrible habit. The excuses vary, the beginning is always the same - I'm feeling pumped, this is the last time I'm doing it, I'm ready.
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| Hiding a fag with the ashtray right in front of me October 2012! |
I thought a nice way to start would be to re-publish my first ever cigarette blog - entitled My Friend Polly. A glimpse into my thoughts 2 years ago, and hopefully a point of reflection that will allow me to evaluate how much I've changed, how much my life has changed, and all the new reasons why this attempt will hopefully be the last.
Polly was there for better and for worse, in sickness and in health. Polly was there when boyfriends left or I left boyfriends, Polly was there when I failed my first driving test and passed the second. Polly was there when I had a pregnancy scare, at every birthday since I was 17, when I graduated high school and university. Polly was there when no one else was.
Polly sounds like a wonderful friend.... replace Polly with Cigarettes.....
There is a very funny quote which says: " giving up cigarettes is easy, I've quit hundreds of times".
It increases the risk of cancer, of heart problems, it means you can't be fit, it makes you smell, it takes all your money and most of the time you hate it. Yet quitting cigarettes is the most difficult thing I have ever done. And I haven't even succeed yet.
I don't know if anyone will read this blog, but that's not really the point anyway. This is quit attempt 457 (just kidding but it feels like it) and this time I am determined to get off of cigarettes for good! I knew that I needed to do something different, something that I could focus on that would keep my hands busy, but at the same time I needed to talk about how I was feeling. I can't knit or sew and baking is out of the question because I want to avoid comfort eating everything in sight. So I decided to start a blog. Why not? Seems the whole world is online, I hope that it will serve as an cyber diary where I can offload how I feel without the embarrassment of having my mum find it in my knicker drawer (been there, done that, not pretty!)
So I suppose I should give you some information about myself, just in case you are reading it!?
My name is Sarah and I am 23 years old. I first tried cigarettes when I was 13 as an attempt to get the "cool" kids in school to be my friends (a behaviour heavily attributed to being bullied at primary school). That was until my Mum caught me stealing fags out her packet and I got a good hiding plus was grounded for like a year!!
Never touched them after that, in fact I joined the school hockey team, everything was fine, until I turned 16. Suddenly I found myself hanging with my friends at the park at the weekend (I know I know please don't judge me!) and we were buying alcohol and somehow I started smoking again. When I got caught this time I had the law on my side, all my Mum said was that if I wanted to smoke I had to get a Saturday job, so I did.
Fast forward 7 years; after failures and successes, falling in love and quickly back out of it, getting into uni, meeting new friends, losing old friends, moving out of home, moving back home, I find myself in a funny world of contentment. Having been with my boyfriend (and Mr. Right I may add) for almost 3 years and finally shifting some weight I realised that my life was good. I have a great relationship with my parents (who I still live with by the way) and younger brother, I am doing well in my Masters course in Social Work so the career ambitions are going well, I have a part time job I love and a great group of friends. The only thing I hated about myself was my body (along with every other 23 year old I know to be fair) so I started to lose weight.
Suffering from an under active thyroid meant that I had to work very hard to lose weight and with a history of yoyo dieting I didn't hold our much hope. Then I discovered exercise and pretty soon I had lost over a stone and was back to a comfortable size 14. I felt amazing and even went to Gran Canaria with 3 skinny mates and still felt sexy. However, the exercise was grinding to a halt and my progress slowed, I wasn't getting any fitter and it was time to end my only 100% committed relationship I have ever had.....Polly.
I never had an epiphany or a health scare, no one close to me had cancer and I was able to afford to smoke (all smokers are). Then I asked my boyfriend one day if there was anything he could change about me what would it be.... he didn't even blink "I would make you a non-smoker".
I began to analyse myself and my relationship with cigarettes. If my boyfriend tried to dictate my moves, alienate me from my friends or drag me out of the pub I would have none of it. Yet I let cigarettes do it.... its time for this relationship to end
This blog is about my journey. I don't expect anyone to read it, it's more a tool to help me help myself and if I help someone else at the same time that's a bonus. So here we go..... Day 1....
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